Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Mightier than the Sword

So here's the scene:

We're taking a bath. (Well... James is taking a bath, and I am perched outside the tub, reaching around the sliding glass doors while trying not to a) sprain something or b) get wet.) Things are going well. I am dry and - so far - uninjured, and a summer full of fun in kiddie pools and on water slides and being sprayed by the hose has paid off; getting a hair wash is no longer cause for a major international outcry against unconscionable abuse at the hands of his No-More-Tears-wielding maniac of a mother.

And then the penis fun starts.

First, we discover that shampoo rinse-water running down our front drizzles interestingly over ALL the bits on the front of us. "Ooo, look! A penis!" we say. "Right down there, where the water went! I wonder what it does?"

Then, we discover that penises can do tricks. (He. HE discovers. Enough with this 'royal we' crap. I'm not sure how that got started anyway. Lack of caffeine? Yes, let's blame that!) SO.. penises can do tricks, HE discovers...

For instance, if you pull on one, it stretches. A lot. A LOT a lot. So much that if you pull it really really REALLY far, your mother will make a pretty hilarious face and thrash around all over the place trying to figure out how to make you let go without permanently damaging the goods or knocking you over when she grabs at you around the bathtub doors.

Another trick they can do is stand up all by themselves, and when you whack at them while they're standing up, they get all sproingy. And then you can put stuff on 'em, like washcloths and bathtoys. Mommy must think that's pretty funny, too, because when I put bubbles on it and then went SPROING and the bubbles got all over her face and my head, she laughed really hard and said something about "Oh my god, baby boners"... but I didn't see any bones, so I don't know what she meant. She's a little weird sometimes anyway.

(Yes, now I'm writing in Jamesy's voice. If the kid ever learns to read, I hope he's merciful... Meanwhile, onward!)

But you know what the COOLEST thing they do is?

They make A PEN!

No, really, I swear! I was just standing there, minding my business, when, like, POW! ZOOM! All this water was coming out and I could draw in the bubbles!!

And drawing is only, like, my favoritest thing EVER. And Mom was so effing cool, when I did it the first time, she made all the water go away and made NEW BUBBLES so I could do it AGAIN!! Is she not the coolest mom EVER?? And I didn't even have to sign "more"! I had to get out of the tub right after the second time, though. That part kinda sucked. But still!!

I swear, sometimes I could even forgive her for that picture of my blue butt in the sandbox. Oh, you never saw it? I'm amazed; I mean, she only posted it on her Facebook, fer cryin' out loud. The woman has no life. Thank god she isn't reading this, or she'd probably post i - HEY! NO! Back away from the computer, Mom, or I swear to god, I'll wait until my diaper's open and draw on your whole head! Do not touch that "insert pic" button. DO NOT TOUCH THE BUTTON. Do. NOT! NO!! Dammit, Woman, leave me SOME dignity...


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